Saturday, 13 June 2015

Abster's Advice: Break Ups...

Hey gorgeous ones. My last Abster's Advice Post went down a treat with you all so I thought I'd write another about something really relevant to me right now that I think could help anyone whenever they go through something like this.

So... Break Ups. They are so the opposite of containing any type of fun. 
At some point everyone, unless you are ridiculously lucky and are with one person, dip free, for your whole life, goes through a break up. Some are easier than others but break ups are never pain free, ever.

No matter what has happened: whether you have been together for a few months, a year, two years etc, whether they hurt you by lying, cheating, just didn't communicate anymore, lost a spark, or you both just decided something wasn't right... it's like losing a limb sometimes and you go through tonnes of phases which are all incredibly healthy. 

Someone once said to me that going through a break up is like grieving. You have lost something very close to you and it's like having to let go and move on with out that thing. 

I am a big lover of love. Always have been and my two relationships I've had in my life have both been proof of that; intense and wonderful. I love that feeling of having someone you feel you can tell everything to, cuddle up and watch a movie, laugh for hours and hours, go out on dates, be one of the happy ones on Valentine's Day, the list goes ON. But, I am also a very strong believer in the thought that being single and without someone who is doing you damage is far better and healthier for you than to stay with them for those rare, drug-like, addictive, moments of bliss before all the bad stuff hits again.

In the end, letting someone go out of a respect for yourself that you do not deserve to be treated like that or be in a relationship that doesn't fulfil your needs and taking that leap of faith out of your comfort zone to a world where, yep, you are a single lady is OH SO FRIGHTENING. But, once you get there, it's really not as bad as you thought.

You can feel anything you want to feel when going through something like this; anger, major sadness, resentment, a hint of joy, grief, even a touch of hatred, regret etc. the list goes on. Everything is natural and the more you actually FEEL, the quicker you will manage to let those intense feelings become less and less intense until they flicker into non existence. 


There are some things I've learnt in the past few years that I will carry with me forever now, take it from a girl whose got the t-shirt:

1. Go Cold Turkey

I know this seems like the freakin' scariest thing ever sometimes but going totally cold turkey and cutting every possible means of communication is KEY for getting used to someone being out of your life. Do one thing for me, ask yourself why you are holding on to the hope you'll get a 'sorry' message or see they miss you or hurt yourself by seeing a new profile picture with a new girl? Why on earth do you need those things? You DONT. Of course, if a relationship doesn't end too badly and there is no bad blood you don't think it's 'necessary' but trust me, the temptation to contact them is totally removed if you get rid of their number etc and just remove them from your clean slate of a new life. It sounds so harsh, I know and doing this does take a lot of strength but the power you gain back for yourself is remarkable, you are in control of your own happiness.

2. Get Rid of Reminders

We all want to hang on to those amazing memories, that photo next to Big Ben, that coaster from holiday, that cinema ticket for your first date etc. all the memories of the 'good' times. Of course you do! But, ask yourself that exact same question again... Why do you need these things? They are just a reminder of the past and you may be holding on to something that will just keep pulling you back from finding your freedom from it over and over again. Getting to a place where you can  love those memories without having bad blood is a really great thing and trust me, you can get there without those tangible memories. 

3. Don't Spread Hate

Something a lot of people do when they break up or are just thoroughly unhappy feel the need to really bad mouth their ex. No matter what my ex did, I would never spread things about him or try and turn people against him. This is because I don't want to sink down and lose my class, you know? Why lower your standards? Keep your integrity, have a rant and say whatever you want to your best friends and those who are close to you but avoid whacking stuff up on Facebook to get 'revenge' because you need to reverse it and think about how you would look if you did that. Retain that classy sass! 

4. Learn to Accept

It's totally okay to go through weeks, months and sometimes longer if you've been through a really crappy time or just lost someone who meant the world to you. If it's unexpected, even worse. But remember you will get to a point where you can just accept what's happened and say to yourself 'I'm totally ok. It happened. But now, it's ok.' It's a bit like seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. You can look back and see glimmers of happiness, remember great times without feeling horrendous and you can see the bad times and things you'd never accept in your life again. You are a stronger, more resilient, wiser, self-respecting person having gone through all of this. Don't get me wrong, sometimes even after acceptance you can have moments where you still feel wave of sadness for something but that's completely natural and it doesn't in any way mean you've 'taken a step backwards'. You're doing amazingly well. Also, if something bad has happened and say, there is bad blood between you, you need to remember this whole 'closure' thing is not necessary. Sometimes 'closure' can be just an excuse for a last bit of contact you do not need. That really can be a 'step backwards'. If you want to feel like you have got closure, it's purely because there's something inside you not yet resolved. I'd say that's just acceptance. I know, personally, when I'm ready I will forgive my ex but I have no need to tell him that, I can just forgive him inside myself and let it go for good. But obviously that takes time and can only happen when you truly feel your able to wholeheartedly not carry anymore anger. 

5. Love Yourself Kid

Break ups are THE perfect time to get back to loving yourself. A lot of us during relationships can lose touch of who we are, sometimes just on tiny levels. For example, you might have just forgotten how important loving yourself is , loving yourself, dressing up just for you, getting that new dress for you... etc. One thing I do is I scroll through Pinterest and find motivational quotes on mornings where I feel a little sad or something. This works a charm, finding some little self-confidence, self-love, self-boosting quotes that just egg you on to remember how amazing you are. My dad is amazing when it comes to helping me get through tough stuff and I remember saying to him '... Yeah well when I'm happy with someone else...' and he stopped me and said 'No, when you're just happy. You don't need to be with someone else to be happy.' We do not need someone to make us happy, we are in control of our own happiness. As soon as you put someone in charge of your happiness, that's BAD news. You're the boss baby. 

6. Not Everyone is the Same

Worrying you are now gonna have mega trust issues or not be happy with anyone else or being scared you'll hands down never find someone else... All NORMAL. But also all completely irrational and not true. Just gently remind yourself not one person is the same. Of course, you hear of a lot of bad stuff like cheating, lying etc. and yeah loads of people make that choice in their lives but not everyone does. Always remember that. Why would you want to tarnish someone with the same brush as a person who has wronged you in the past? You might be washing away an amazing opportunity to find real happiness with someone whilst letting that person in your past win, still, to this day! Let them go, their mistakes and everything and start a fresh with every new person you meet. 

I guess it's just a part of life.

I strongly believe everything you go through is for a reason because no matter what's happened, I've come out the other side a much stronger and happier person. I can look back and smile at amazing memories I will cherish forever but I can also look forward and smile because I have such an exciting future ahead of me. I just have to open that door to new risks, new adventures, new love. 

I love you all, loads.

x Abster x

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